The tinderbox grows.
29 September 2003It appears I need to go to defcon 2. The tinderbox inside of Selphie is growing, and when the flame hits the tinderbox, there will be an explosion.
Selphie is an angry little girl. She is a hurt little girl. The hurt is fueling her anger. And, the tinderbox grows. And grows. Selphie is very protective of me, but, at the same time, she is starting to exhibit a very adult behavior, one I hoped would pass her up. She is attempting to use one person, in an attempt, (out of anger) to hurt another.
She has been asking me, as of late, about when we will be going after her mother ($11,000+ behind in Child Support) for back Child Support. I have delibrately not gone down this avenue for 3 reasons:
1) I dont necissarily *need* the money, per se.
2) I dont need the aggravation.
3) Selphie wants me to go after her for the wrong reasons.
Now, the first two, are droppable reasons. They are selfishly inclined, and, are not real barriers. Number three is the biggie. Selphie wants to use me, to attack her mother. I sense this very very strongly. And, from a 10 year old, well, that’s the way they work sometimes. She is hurting, her mother never calls her, her mother never makes any attempt to contact or visit her. And, Selphie, really starting to break out into individualism, wants to lash out, and make her mother hurt just as much as she does.
This is normal behavior for any human being acting on instinct. Someone hurts us, our reflexive action is to hurt back. I have to find a way of helping Selphie deal with these feelings. I have to find a way of positively redirecting this hurt and anger into a positive method of dealing with the situation. I do have a number of ideas. However, part of the problem is, like any emotive person, she lacks some articulation skill when it comes to this, because the feelings are base, raw, and go to the very primitive nature of who we are. These feelings can blind you very very easily. As a 31 year old, I know this. As a 10 year old, she does not. And, you cannot really give them the answer because, its something they have to experience and grow to learn themselves.
So, my best idea is to open up word, and let her just spew out a letter to her mother. Let her say what she needs to say. Let her get it all out. I am still thinking about whether or not I need to read what she writes, but, then she would send it to her, provided we can track her down. Even if we couldnt, it would be therapeutic in itself.
Selphie is a smart little girl, and she has charm and wit. I think the thing that most offends her, is that, while I try to treat her like a person, and give her respect, measure for measure, her mother consistently abuses the mother daughter relationship by spouting the words, and doing nothing. She talks the talk, but has never ever walked the walk. And, as Selphie gets older, and those neurons of hers begin to get finer and finer, and her cognitive processes start to develop even more, she is starting to see what a fool her mother has made her out to be. And, one thing Selphie shares with her father, is that she does not like to be played for the fool. She takes offense when someone insults her intelligence. She is starting to go back over things in her mind, and she is starting to see what a shit her mother has been to her. And, that hurts, and it stings, and it all feeds the little acorn of anger.
And, then, of course, without articulation, the anger swells. And grows. And, I for one, know all too well what a cancer of the mind raw unbridled anger can be. I will not stand idly by and watch anger consume Selphie, like it almost did me, so many years ago. I will *not* sit by, and watch her decay from the inside out, I will not watch this tinderbox grow any longer. I will not watch Selphie destroy herself, because someone who is older than her (or me) wants to act like an irresponsible fool. I will not sit on my laurels and say, well, I am smart, Selphie is smart, so, ergo, she will figure it out. I will NOT SIT BACK AND LET THIS HAPPEN. I WILL BREAK THIS STUPID CYCLE OF BULLSHIT ONCE AND FOR ALL.
And, that sounded angry. And it is, and so is this: Nobody, and I mean, nobody will ever have the power to destroy what is mine, and who I consider my own, or kind, or kindred. Nobody will step on the necks of those I love. I will stand up and fight for what I believe in. I believe in Selphie. I believe in anyone who is close to me. I will kick life in the balls and say ‘fuck you’ every time it tries to maim me. When life gives me a spoonful of shit, I *will* feed it back with a backhoe straight down the throat. There are two types of people in the world, those that lie down and take it, and those that stand up and give it. Nobody will have that power, because, I will not hand it to them. It sounds angry, but, it needs to come out, so I am not angry. But, at the end of the day, those words of prophesy at America’s rise ring true…
“Dont tread on me”
Selphie needs to learn, that, just because her mother gave birth to her, does not mean she is infallible. Her mother is a human being, capable of mistakes. Even me. I make plenty of mistakes. How we live life, and how we manage the things that happen, is a very big element of how we are defined. To put it bluntly: the skill of living life, sometimes, boils down to the art of consequences. Both dealing with them, and dealing them out to the people who would step on our necks. What Selphie’s mother will some day realize is that Selphie will be dealing out the consequences to her, and she has a long fucking bar tab. Trust, Respect, these things are earned. Donating genes doesn’t magically entitle you to a damn thing. Love, respect, and caring for your fellow man, woman, child, the ones you love and care about, the ones your willing to fight for, when they are down…those are life’s gifts. Its a privilege.
And, now, I have to find a way to help Selphie come to discover some of these things. And, I will. because, I do not quit. I do not lie down. I do not take it.
I love her, and I will help her troubled soul through these trying times.
Ja Mata.
on September 7th, 2007 at 1:48 am
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