The past weekend…
6 June 2007
So, I had a couple of realizations over the weekend. I went out with Seraph, and it was cool as hell. I met her via a mutual friend, Kari..at a wedding Kari and I attended. I had a damn fun time tooling around the city with nothing but a backpack, and someone who knows how to hold a conversation. Not only that, however…she has self esteem and confidence. Something missing in alot of people in general these days. So, between Fado’s and Celtic Crossing…and of course, some of the highlights of the Belmont/Clark/Halstead area…I had a great time.
But, as I said..I had some realizations. I came to think about something really crucial, that I really hadnt pondered before: I was stagnated. I really was, and I am not afraid to admit it. I really hate to dredge up old shit, but this is stuff I need to get out. So let me break off onto this a bit…
Not only did Shey betray in the worst way possible, not only did she really hurt Selphie…and even when I was accused of “Wanting to talk too much” in regards to our relationship…(Which really stuck in my craw for awhile, communication is the key to any relationship, and if one person is talking too much, then perhaps the other isint talking *enough*)…did I ever stop and ask myself where did all my creativity go? Where did all my idea skills go? Where did all of my habits regarding doing new things go? And that got my attention. Right there in Celtic Crossing…I kind of had an epiphany of sorts.
When I met Shey, I had alot of ideas I was talking about. I had other friends worth talking to them about. I remember talking to Matt about doing things beyond simple X10 house automation. I remember talking to Marty about developing some new Mac based stuff. And once I got involved with Shey, I wanted her to be involved in what I was doing as well. Indeed as a (so called, then) aspiring architect, some of the things I was doing I asked her advice on. I did not want to leave her out of things. But somewhere along the line, and I really cannot say when…I made some kind of twisted transition where I stopped thinking about new and inventive things, and started trying to prop her up.
I say prop her up, because for all the cute little things she did, the one insidious thing I never noticed was how she did the thing I really despise most: she looked to others to make choices for her. It’s one thing to ask another persons advice. Its another to frame it in such a way that you really are not making any choices…people are doing it for you. I encouraged her to do more than play video games all summer. I encouraged her to get out with me more. And, in the end…it became a battle of my feelings, versus that of faceless people behind a screen somewhere, or worse…and those people, close or not were basically making choices for her under the veil of “advice”.
I guess to some degree, she made one choice at the time I met her: she chose me, and like any human being, I felt thrilled at being chosen. And, sadly…looking back, It certainly beguiled me. It led me into a false sense of responsibility to the chooser.
But, thats not even the worst of it. I wound up sacrificing my own confidence, my own self worth, my own esteem, my own creativity, to tell this person that despite their constant self deprecation, the work they DID do was worthy of praise…I did this while ignoring my own needs, and my own desires to grow and be happy. In the end, I wound up trapped in a nasty cycle of putting myself second for someone else. Someone who was supposed to be my partner. And in the end, I got handed walking papers and given a mealy mouthed response from a sadly weak human being, one who couldn’t even show her face to do the deed. I wound up being there for that person, and that person had zero clue what it means to be there for anyone else.
I understand now, what stable means to someone like that. To them it means someone “stable” enough to give up living to prop them up. It means one person has to sacrifice so the other feels good about themselves. It means a mediocre life. And its a sick existence. Money and Material are nice, but it’s not what life is about. Life is about experiences. You can’t have experiences if you risk nothing, and are never willing to fly by the seat of your pants for the sake of it. It does not mean you have to exist in a constant state of panic, but it does mean there is more to be said for the road less traveled, as opposed to the safe and easy path all the time.
So I gave up making choices for myself, to make choices for her. And in the end. I wound up losing a part of myself I liked. I lost the dreamer in me. The part of me that came up with grand plans and put them into place. I think about the system I designed when I worked for Inprint, together with a team of other professionals. People who understood the nature of creativity. People who understood their skills, and their talents. Marty, Jon, Olgun and I did some really awesome work at Inprint. And it was after some of that really fine work, that I met Shey…and I lost that edge. I lost that creativity. I lost that part of myself that I held dearest. I sacrificed it for someone who looked to be a talented person, but in the end, turned out to be a life sucking, shallow fool who has a pretty messed up view of things, and is unable to see that throwing things at problems, be it pills, money, ointment, puzzle pirates…never solves a damn thing if the problem is you.
And, sitting there, with Seraph at Celtic Crossing…a place I remember having alot of fun in years past with friends like Mark, Connor and Kevin…I realized that I gave up so damn much of who I was. While I may have come to that conclusion on my own at some point down the road, being there with Seraph…the context of the conversation is what led me to it. And for that, I am pretty grateful. It’s experiences like that, by and large, that make life really worth living. Sometimes a place, and someone who exudes confidence about themselves and esteem bring out the best in you. Recognize that!
And like it or not, pills, money, and other dreck cant be thrown at anything to give you that. Despite the personal beliefs of some people.
But, back to the weekend…we talked alot. In fact, I have been told by her that I am about the only other person who gets her to talk other than her sister..that made me feel pretty special. And by and large, Seraph’s a pretty special person in her own right. She’s got a knack for saying the right thing at the right time…which is a quality I have always admired.
We met up in Wicker Park, and from there headed up to boystown for some lunch. After a bit of window shopping, and a stroll through the T-Shirt aisle at The Alley, we headed up to River North for a small pub crawl. We basically worked our way up Clark Street. And it was good. We had alot of great conversation, and ran into Kiernan at Fado’s. He was quite taken with pictures of Selphie, and we had a nice little visit. We also had alot of fun messing with the more…plastic element who were wandering around the streets of Chicago. Including a bachelorette party who seemed quite out of sorts on Grand Ave.
So, we had our outing, and agreed we needed to do it again. I don’t know where this will go, and its really not critical at this juncture. It’s enough to know this person is cool as hell, digs me as much as I dig her…and is not so mired in that lame ass attitude of being focused on their flaws, as opposed to their strengths. We talk alot, and well…its never boring.
I feel alive again, and while that is not due to any one person in particular, the people I surround myself with, and what I make of my environment is the cause. I have gone a long way toward getting back to who I was, and that makes me happy. Time and distance always change the nature of consequences. Thats the nice thing about them. What seems bad today, could be a godsend tomorrow.
And so we arrive here on Wednesday. Today was Selphie’s last day of school. She enters High School in the fall. It’s quite depressing for me on some levels. But, more about that tomorrow, when I have had a chance to ponder it more…
on June 7th, 2007 at 7:03 am
You know I’ve been in a situation where I have been the talker and not that my partner was a loser or anything, but he didn’t talk back much. It can really make you feel stagnated. like you have so much to offer but the one person you want to care and be invloved in it just doesn’t get it.
(Twisted Sister)
on June 8th, 2007 at 8:25 am
What sucked most in this case, was she directed that comment to me, through a friend of mine, after we split. Ive never encountered such a mealy mouthed response ever. Meh. Love sucks sometimes. =)
on August 22nd, 2007 at 9:23 pm
[…] But, like it or not, it led to some soul searching after our first “date”. […]