‘N STUFF
24 July 2007The big issue here that is important to consider, is that I am perfectly happy with the way things are at the moment. And, I have even opened up a little more than I have in the past. Anyone who knows me, knows I consider myself a fairly private person. My stuff is my stuff, and I have never been particularly inclined to be more open with how I live my life. I have always been private, because I respect privacy.
It’s really always been an issue of choosing my audience in some ways. And in other ways, it’s been about wanting to wall myself off and keep some semblance of solitude, at least on some level or another. I suppose if you boil it down further, you would find that alot of people don’t ‘get’ me, and so…for my own protection and theirs, I keep parts of me segmented and roped off, with a “VIP” sign. Only certain people get in.
Well, then I met this charming woman. And for some reason or another, I have shed some of this mentally reclusive behavior. I have always been picture shy, but for some reason I do not feel the same apprehension around her, that I have felt in the past. She gets to take pictures of me. I tend not to care for, or seek crowds of people. But, I happily sign up for events out and about with her. To engage in social situations with her. It’s something I am more willing to do these days, (and, strangely enough, without alot of apprehension) if it means I get some time with her. Now, before you ask…sure, I used to do things before. But, and this is difficult to put a finger on, somehow this is different. Before, I would tolerate groups, or people for the sake of spending time with someone or somewhere. In the case here, it’s alot different. I am actually looking forward and seeking out the extra social contact. To engage in completely social events and situations. In the past, that has not been my way. It’s really kind of strange in some ways, because I realize now that maybe in the past, I have perhaps been a bit too judgmental in my appraisal of what to do, and what not to do.
I suppose it can be easy to fall into those kinds of habits. You get kinda jaded after a few bad experiences. A pal of mine, Dave Blackwell, once told me: You’re someone who needs to know their audience. And I guess in some ways, I took it to heart. Maybe too much. Which was not Dave’s intent. Dave’s intent at the time was to point out that I am a bit of an acquired taste. And while alot of people think I am pretty funny, and have some amusing flaws and such…that should not set up behavior in me that predisposes me to ignore the public just because I have such a distaste for a great many of its members. To be blunt, in some ways I worry about the stupid things that might happen, rather than think about the great things that could. It leaves me a bit more isolated in my own mind that I should be. And, I have slowly been putting an end to it.
I find myself relaxing quite a bit more. And, I find myself not quite so on edge as in recent years. It’s very nice having a girlfriend who is actually confident, and who is more hung up on what the possibilites of what she can do are, than what she can’t. I never realized before how much time I have spent in the last 15 years of my life trying to help others find their gifts. And, it honestly never really occurred to me that some (but not all, let’s be optimistic shall we?) people don’t want to find their strengths and weaknesses. They want to waste time, and talk about what they can’t do, rather than what they can. I’ve thought alot about the things and events over the last 15 years, and I think about all of the people I have encountered, and a great deal of them seem never to aspire. To dream. To dare. To sometimes throw caution and care to the wind to just radically do a 180 in life, just to see what happens. I think one of the funnier elements of that is, I often get admonished for daring to dream, daring to throw caution and care to the wind. And in some ways, it’s the same as admonishing someone for living life to the fullest. I think maybe that’s one reason I get kind of…disillusioned. More than a few people in my life have remarked about how much I’ve “lived”, and these are the same people who would admonish me for daring to do that in front of them. It’s amazing how many of them flatter me with one sentence, and curse me with the next. I hate hearing the phrases “You can’t do that” and “That’s not possible”. I especially despise it when someone tells me “That’s not possible for you“. And, I have noticed that the calling card of a great many people who label others as irresponsible are generally the ones who are irresponsible to themselves, while trying to pigeon hole everyone else. If nobody is starving, and you have clothes on your back…what is your excuse for not daring to do more than you have done up till this point?
I realize, now more than ever…I avoided much, because I was focused on the wrong things. I was focused on trying to do what I do, rather than just let a majority of it attend to itself. I don’t actually have to work at being me. I just need to spend the time, and “be” as Katherine said awhile back. And, while I know I am definitely worthwhile, I think maybe it’s time to come out from behind a few walls, so to speak.
J. Michael Straczynski famously wrote: Faith Manages. When you consider how hard he had to fight to make sure his artistry, his vision, and his creative goals came to fruition, it speaks volumes to that simple two word phrase. It’s not religious, its not dogma. It’s simply understanding that if you have a grip on who you are, and what you want, then if you aim for something, and are willing to be radical, and go for it…there really isint anything you cannot get out of life.
So, I let her take pictures of me. Why? Why now? Because it’s important to sometimes be different for the sake of it. It’s sometimes important to shake up your own life, before expecting others to do the same. And, sometimes it’s important to give, so you get. The old phrase “You have to spend money, to make money” applies to just about anything worth having in life. A friend, a companion, a child, or a box of Nilla Wafers. Well, maybe not the Nilla Wafers, but you get my meaning. Maybe it’s because she was the right person, in the right place, at the right time…and tried her passkey and it worked. Or maybe I am just inventing some cathartic breakthrough. Either way, I don’t mind. And, well…my blog, my rules. If I want to have revelations, cathartic or otherwise, its my prerogative. I use this blog to get things outside my head, because you know…sometimes its easier to examine them out in the open.
Now go get me a box of Nilla Wafers!
