Shaken.
22 September 2007My mother is not well.
We arrived at the hospital to find her in the throes of withdrawal after being hit with a Narcan cocktail. Seems all the painkillers she had in her system were inhibiting her dialysis. I wont go into any detail, however I will just say this: nobody should ever have to witness another human being in that condition. Ever.
Once the Narcan cleared, they gave her some morphine. Which eased the pain. However, nothing can ease talking to your mother when she does not know what year it is. Or where she is. Or what state she lives in. When she lashes out at you, not because you’re doing anything wrong…but from that “wounded animal” state of mind. Swiping at you to keep away.
At this point, all they can do is treat her as best they can, make her comfortable. We asked for a psych evaluation to see if she is even remotely competent. We may have a rather nasty choice to make going forward: do we discontinue things like dialysis, and let her drift and pass? Or do we keep lightly flogging her?
She kept trying to assert unrealistic demands of “Get a doctor in here NOW, and tell them to treat me!”…the bottom line is, everything that can be done, is being done. She wants a shot of something, anything that will enable her to just “be better”. The truth is, my brother and I really have no way of knowing when we are talking to our mother, or a very bitter and angry woman who resents her situation so deeply she lashes out anyone who comes near her.
It was all I could do to keep it together. Keep a level head in the face of very powerful and nearly overwhelming emotions. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring…I certainly do not know what the next 48 hours hold.
This is the worst part of it all. The snails pace at which things move. You gather some facts, make some decisions about what care to provide, and then an hour or 12 later, repeat the process. There is no more long term therapy. No more long term prognoses. There are only little increments of moments which pass by at a slow pace…so slow as to be nearly maddening. You just keep repeating the cycle until something breaks or gets fixed.
Right now, there is not a lot of raw material with which to fix things. Right now, there are only minutes which just seem to creep by ever more slowly.
Yet, right now is all we have.
Current Mood:
Melancholy & 
Damaged
