Adopt, adapt and improve.
2 October 2007Life goes on.
While I have been slowly acclimating to life after the events of the last two weeks, it’s been the little things that keep hitting me. I sometimes catch myself saying stuff like “I’ll have to ask mom about this…” only to realize that’s no longer an option.
The hardest part has been going through things. Going through the belongings of the dead is always a strange thing. Every piece holds some memory. Sometimes for you, sometimes for the person who’s gone. And while my brother and I have elected to get rid of many of the “pack rat” types of items my mother collected over the years, it’s still not easy going through to see what should be saved, and what should be thrown away.
We also discovered that, by and large my mother was entirely hit or miss on even opening her mail for the last couple years. We found so many unopened envelopes. I think in the long run, she got tired of looking at things she had no hope of addressing. She was sick, she was tired. She knew alot of it was moot, as she knew she was going to die. And so, in the end…the remainder of her life was partially defined by the stacks of unopened mail from various doctors, and people wanting money from her. The machinations of billing and paperwork drolled on without regard to her health state.
In the end…I think she just didn’t care. I think she felt it was her last almighty fuck you to The Man.
So, in the process of all of the little things, I have been learning to live with things…and moving forward. Seraph has been instrumental in helping me deal with the little moments of emotions. And I have been adapting. Trying to just get through the process of dealing with Insurance companies, paperwork, closing out my mothers old business. Dealing with the day to day.
So, I trudge on, one step at a time. Just dealing with what comes next. I have good friends, good family, and as positive an attitude as one can have in this situation.
I do miss my mother, our conversations, our light moments. But, I am getting better, I am getting more used to her not being here. Healing from this will take time. But, it will happen. =)
Current Mood:
Indifferent
