The year that was ___________ (Fill in the blank)
29 November 2007It has been quite a year.
Quite a year indeed. I have alot of stuff to cover, and this post will be a sort of “year in review”. It will be long, it will ramble on at times…but, I want to get it out there. This has been a year filled with moments of transitions. It began in pain, and progressed steadily into changes. Some of them good, some of them bad. While it has not been *exactly* one year, it’s close enough.
About a year ago, I lamented that nothing I had to say mattered in the end. Ironically, this has been a year where almost everything I had to say mattered to someone. Irony sometimes acts as the milemarker in my life, so I guess I should not have been surprised.
To be sure, a year ago there were moments of reflection and bitterness. There were moments of sadness and joy. In the end however, I discovered quite alot about myself. I often came to understand I am often stronger than I give myself credit for. So in closing out the year, I want to settle all debts, and close the books on a few issues that have been pestering my mind during these past 365 days.
* Out with the old… A year ago, I was devastated by an act of betrayal from someone whom I allowed myself to get close to. I spent some 5 years with this person, and gave her my best, only to be cast aside. Anyone who knows me, knows the one crime I never forgive is betrayal. It’s the one failing I have, I suppose. But betrayal is a crime against the psyche. It’s as personal as a slap to the face.
Despite being knocked down, I was back on my feet so to speak, in a few months. With the help of good friends like Angelus, Seraph, Kari and Selphie. And slowly over that time, I came to discover just how much of my “self” had been stolen from me by that relationship. I abdicated a few very prized traits of mine, for the sake of being at the ready with a super glue bottle to help keep that person’s whacked personality together. I guess one of the things that bugs me, is that I failed to see some telltale signs. I fell into the “I can fix this” trap.
And, of course the mealy mouthed words she had the nerve to spill later on hurt, but the hurt diminished quite a bit in reviewing my own server logs. As I still have pretty solid reasons to believe that person occasionally stops by, allow me to impart some really good advice from Alan Parsons:
Don’t answer me, dont break the silence
Don’t let me win
Don’t answer me, stay on your island
Don’t let me inRun away and hide from everyone
You have been dead to me for a year. Stay that way. Stay off my web server too.
* Beginning new things. I began getting creative again, in alot of areas. I went full time into developing some promising ideas I had into viable and real opportunities. Some of which will be deployed after the first of the year. It’s been quite a refreshing change from being stagnate and unmotivated. One of the first things I discovered in the new year was how far away from the center I had drifted. How far away I was from the gifts and talents I have I had.
After the first of the year, I have alot of changes coming up. Moving, pulling the trigger on some of the creative projects I have spent the last year doing heavy development on, and getting back to a more aggressive stance with doing things out and about. More kites, a sunfish, and more camping.
One serious goal I have in the next year is to get my water legs back. I want to get my sailing skills back up to speed. After my mother died, as I went through pictures of me from yesteryear…the pictures of me sailing really hit me. I miss it. It’s one of the things I talked about alot in the last 5 years, but have done nothing to move on it. Well, now I am moving on it. I plan to start small, and move up. Out of all the things that interested me when I was younger, computers and sailing always were at the forefront, yet sailing is the one thing I have really neglected over the years. Having the freedom of moving about with nothing but my wits and the wind…was exhilarating.
Right now, I am working on my basic seamanship skills with knots and such. My next step is to spend a few hundred bucks for a used sunfish. In a year or so, ill move up to something a bit bigger. Of course, it may take a bit of time to work up to being able to afford my dream boat. I also would like to find a bit of extra cash to buy one of these, and learn how to do celestial navigation. Of course, I am in the wrong part of the country to do serious ocean marine navigation, but…I think if I look around, I might be able to find a class or two.
As far as projects go, I have a couple of web and film projects I am looking forward to pulling the trigger on. Things will be thin at first, but I have a pretty good budget planned, I also have a pretty good business plan. It’s short, to the point, and workable. Between, Rival, Seraph, and Selphie…it should be fun, and manageable.
This next year should be exciting, and very very engaging.
* Selphie. Selphie has really started to come into her own now. Like a runaway freight train with a mind of her own. She spent some time with her mother, but overall has grown mostly unamused with the antics in the mommy department. Selphie has, at 14, a rather well developed personality. What stunned me is how well she knows the boundaries of her own personality. She knows her limits, within herself. She has a keen sense of what she will, and will not tolerate from anyone. And while I have lamented long in these pages about how my little girl is growing up at the speed of light, the truth is that I am awful proud of her. And while I do have to deal with her growing up, I can take consolation in the fact that she is a good woman: Intelligent, smart, funny and razor sharp.
Selphie surprised me in other ways too. Her sheer strength scares me sometimes. Her handling of her grandmother dying showed me just how formidable she is in terms of dealing with the hard things that happen in life. Quite a few people in the world would run away, or shy away from watching someone pass. She ran into the experience. She had no fear, and she ultimately was a stronger, and better person for doing it.
I see her growing more and more in the next year. I see her re-enforcing her personality, and doing more to lay down the boundaries of who and what she is. And, for the record, I plan to be fairly hands off, as usual…another thing I discovered about her: I have seen what happens to those who attempt to beguile her with bullshit. I’ve seen what happens to those who get in her way.
* Kari and the pussycats. I cannot emphasize enough how much reconnecting with my old school pal has meant to me over the past year. Kari and I have even more in common as we talk about years past. To be honest, our little talks are very special to me. She’s as good a friend as anyone could ever ask for. And her son is cute as a button too. I’ll always be there for her, should she ever need me.
Sidetracking a bit here. One of the things I have noticed about this past year…is how much more open I have been about myself. I am less reclusive as I have been in years past. I mean, hell…who can remember the last time I willingly allowed people to take pictures of me? I have been a hell of alot more open, especially with regard to access to me. I realize how much I did *not* get out in the previous 4 years. It’s been a whole new me on alot of levels.
I see alot of good in the year ahead for my good friend here. She has freed herself of some of the stupid entanglements she’s had, and I think in some ways, she has been helping herself while she was helping me.
Darth Angelus. Let’s face it. Angie has been there for me, left and right. He and I have been fairly busy over the last year. But, between our discussions of Doctor Who, Babylon 5, and other assorted interests, we both have the common bond of getting hosed in the past. We also have the common bond of being able to understand the value of different perspectives, and how much insight they can bring.
He continues to move along with his machinima career, and other interests. He’s a good example of a person who never lets up, and keeps the pursuit going. I happen to admire him quite a bit. The way he handled himself in 2006, after he got a shocker was an inspiration for me in 2007. And, just knowing he’s there when I need him, via skype, or MSN…is a great feeling.
* The death of my mother. This has had a profound effect on my own life. My mother died in September. I miss her terribly. And while we may have had our moments of contention, and our moments of outright battle…we had settled our differences years ago. She’s gone, and as I said I miss her terribly. I miss the moments of comedy. I miss making her laugh. I miss discussing current events with her. I miss taking care of her.
It’s going to take a bit longer to get over her passing. The next year will be filled with many moments where waves of remembrance will wash over me.
* Meeting Seraph. While I may have lost something last year, it did not cripple me, or make me so afraid I was not willing to try again. In April, I wound up attending a wedding with Kari, and that was when I met Seraph. We had quite a flirtatious beginning. What’s more, we spent considerable time just being leery of each other. I was fearful and still gun shy from previous events, she was fearful and leery because I was something new. I certainly was not looking, per se. But it found me. The universe has a way of doing that to you.
All that aside, we have grown very very close to each other. She’s non judgmental, but more than that…she has a strong personality. She stands up for the right thing. I have seen her go toe to toe with people she cares about, in an effort to help them. She also knows she has talent, and skill. She knows she is always capable of more. I have yet to see her perform any self deprecation. She might get knocked down, or not get it right..but I have yet to see her throw her hands up in the air in defeat. Or call herself, or anything she tries a “failure”. The only pills I see her take are Prevacid, and Advil.
Sidetrack: That’s like a big bonus as far as I’m concerned. There is nothing worse than someone who wants to fix everything with a pill, or quackery, instead of personal responsibility. While I definitely think alternative methods of dealing with certain things are always worth exploring, using them as an excuse for poor perspective really annoys the shit out of me. I have come to discover that when you listen too much to other people, instead of looking inside your own soul, you lose perspective. You lose your sight of where your strengths and weaknesses lie. Masking things with pills, as opposed to confronting your own demons is simple cowardice. That’s not to say you should not consider the perspectives of those you love and trust…you should. But it’s never a complete picture. It’s just one facet. You can’t allow yourself to be other directed and sacrifice your own view of your own soul, your own mind. Seraph understands this, in fact, I think it’s actually part of her core personality.
She’s creative, smart, funny and has clue. The beautiful thing is, she knows she is creative, smart, funny and has a clue. I really could not ask for anything more.
The other neat thing I have observed thus far, is that family events are highly casual, something I happen to like. They are not “pre-formatted” affairs, or overly pretentious. I don’t shudder when she offers a family event for attendance. Her mother is pretty cool, and her sisters are clever and funny.
In the final analysis, I really couldn’t ask for more at this point in terms of my personal life, and my friend relationships. The next year should be a good one. Seraph and I will be collaborating on some projects this year. We both have the vision and drive to make these things a reality. =)
* My brother. Rival has done a lot of growing up in the last year. He still has a few hurdles, and he still needs to learn how to manage his emotive process better. But, after all is said and done…he knows where he needs to work on himself, and he has yet to chicken out on facing the negative. He has a brave spirit, and while sometimes it’s hard to approach him, he always comes down and listens to reason.
A brother couldn’t ask for anything more.
Rival also has a number of ideas and projects slated for this year. I look forward to seeing them.
* Digital Arcadia
Digital Arcadia has undergone a few changes. Despite all of these, it’s still not everything I want it to be. I am not quite sure what to do about that. Especially when I have a number of things coming up which will take even more attention away from the homestead.
But, to be sure, DA is still my baby. I’ll be scraping more time together at some point to improve the stuff here, and add some more neat things. Digital Arcadia will also benefit, I think, from some of the new things we will be doing. One of the projects is a web film project. No, not a youtube clone. But one of the big interests we have here is filming some of the things we have written. We have a growing script pool, and we plan to self publish some of this material.
Digital Arcadia will not host it, but…I do expect more crossover userbase. Time will tell.
I guess in retrospect, this year has been a year of preparing for 2008. From trying to land on my feet after bad things happening, to setting the stage for the new and exciting things to come. While I certainly don’t know what will come in the next year, I plan to spend time enjoying the journey. 2007 has been a year with joy and sadness. But none of it has kept me from embracing life. None of it has kept me from moving along. It’s been a fun year, overall.
I can’t wait for 2008!
Current Mood:
Artistic & 
Accomplished & 
Bouncy & 
Contemplative & 
Enthralled
