2) I have removed some links from the sidebar, but most notable:

* BoingBoing. — Their quality has gone down, as the ego’s of the editors goes up. Their removal of posts from their entire blog because someone said/did something they didnt like was the last straw for me. While it’s their site, and they can do what they want…it was childish.

* Gaijin Smash — It was very funny back in the day. Still is on some occasion, I really don’t go there anymore. Like the rest of the things over there (Tucker Max, etc) their popularity wanes. People who are meme’s are not interesting. Tucker Max is also quite boring. As are his minions.

* Memepool — I really hated doing this one. MP was awesome back in the day. But they hardly update anymore. =(

That’s about it. I know ive been lax in updating as of late. Been quite busy. But there is a site re-design coming up. =)

Current Mood:
Bouncy

You know, it’s funny. But aside from all the things I have done since my mother died…it’s funny how events and things come full circle.

“Oh, I forgot, everything with you has to be discussed”

Those were her last words to me. I find it sickening and hilarious all at once, that the last bit of mental poison my mother stabbed me with found it’s way into something else. I have been already contemplating those words for a week or two now. With everything I have seen, experienced and gotten through in my life it shouldn’t surprise me that surreality should come into play in what I thought would have been a normally benign situation.

But then, my mother always knew where to lay the blade.

There are a couple people in my life who feel that my mother was not fully cognizant at the time she uttered this. But, if there is one thing I am certain of, it’s that I knew my mother better than anyone. Better than my brother, better than her sister. I knew my mother better than even her own mother. While she may not have been able to recite the pledge of allegiance, or explain the best way to make buttercream at the time, I know full well she meant that, and knew what she was saying. Previous to it all, she was begging Rival and I not to let her die. She knew enough to know she was in peril. And while fear makes you do strange things, one thing is always certain: a clouded heart is a clouded heart. Her heart never changed when it came to me.

My mother certainly loved me, but I always knew somewhere she didn’t like me very much. Well, that’s fine I can live with that. I can even accept it and move on.

The trouble I am having is the age old dilemma when it comes to her: how much of what she said was true, and how much is not?

I have spent the last year avoiding the question. I buried myself in getting stable, moving, and work. I distracted myself with any scrap of detachment from it I could find. But it’s funny how the universe works, because out of left field, this morning, the question dominated my thoughts on the “L” on the way to work. It was the result of a discussion between Seraph and I.

Suffice to say, my mother also always knew when to twist the blade.

To be perfectly honest, I would love nothing more than to bury this bit of nastiness. However, time and experience have taught me to confront things head on. Not to do so will result in self destructive behavior at some point in the future, near or far.

I am not sure where the issue truly lies. I have been told I have a strong personality, and it’s unapproachable. Okay, maybe it is. I can accept and deal with that. What I cannot, will not, and refuse to accept, is that my strong personality is some kind of excuse for someone to avoid their responsibility to themselves, or me as a person.

One of the things I have often observed in life: Person A says something. I make a comment, or discuss it. Person A reacts with a feeling (perfectly normal, it’s okay to feel) but rather than say anything, buries it, or puts it aside until such time they go to Person B, who comes to me and tells me about it, sometimes months after the fact. All too often there are two very fundamental truths here:

1) The person was, more often than not, (not 100% of the time, but most of the time) uncomfortable because they did not hear what they wanted to hear. And..
2) This person, or their intermediary (Person B in the example above) use my personality as an excuse to circumvent the real issue. (see point 1)

In the past, I have tolerated this behavior to a degree. I cannot expect everyone to be brave enough to start a dialog, public or privately with me about something I said. But, I am done being the excuse for them. What these people fail to understand is when this is done, it makes me feel defensive about who I am, what I am, and how I live. I’ve come to realize lately is that the feeling isint one of defensiveness…it’s one of anger. Because the people who do this are typically a mess. These are the very people I talk about when I say the stove is hot, don’t touch it. Only for them to tell me that makes them “uncomfortable”. I suppose maybe for them, that allows them to rationalize their stupidity in motion. That’s fine. But I am truly done being a part of it. I am done responding to this kind of B.S. I am tired of being made out to be the target of their rationalization. I am tired of being someone else’s excuse.

Further, I am supremely tired of people I love, and care about being the Person B. It puts them in the middle. And typically person A ropes them into the convoluted logic that it’s okay to use me as an excuse for the way they behave, because typically they heard something they didn’t want to hear.

I am happy with who I am. I am quite happy that I would hold the line for whatever, or whomever I believe in, what I think and feel. I am not going to apologize for it. I am now completely done rationalizing the use of my personality as an excuse for others. If you don’t want to hear uncomfortable things, or you don’t have the courage to listen to someone else’s observations about you, or you just want to make excuses and whine about what you can’t do, instead of what you can do I have a message for you: stay away from me. Don’t come to my house, don’t ask me questions, don’t look to me for a shoulder to cry on.

Because, I care too fucking much about most people. And when you come into my sphere, I shouldn’t have to change my code of conduct. I shouldn’t have to cut corners on my ethical views. I shouldn’t have turn off bits of my personality, and my beliefs because they might force you to face some uncomfortable truths about yourself, anymore than I should expect people to stop being who they are when I come into their sphere. Anymore than I should expect someone to stop being who they are at the core, because it might make ME think differently. That does not mean I am always right. Hell, I can be horribly wrong. I have been on several occasions. But civil discourse is how we learn, think and feel in terms of socialization.

The people who do this, I plan to scissor them out of my life, as surgically as I can. I realize this will require some extra effort and balance on my part, but that may make me a better person in the long run. Life is entirely too short to deal with people who want to walk around with poisoned minds. I spent 35 years trailing after someone with a poisoned mind, I tried to help her. But in the end, she had not the courage, the strength or bravery required to simply be a human being to her son. That is a loss, and a tragedy. I had no real choice but to be a part of it. She was my mother.

I realize now, I am not so much angry with her, as I am at myself. For allowing myself to get roped in by yet one more person who simply wanted to talk at me, and use me for a sounding board for their frustrations, anger and other feelings they themselves were too cowardly to deal with. I realize now why my mother said what she said: I interfered with her feeling sorry for herself. That’s how I know that while she may have been in pain, and not entirely cognizant, her heart hadnt changed. Her statement was indeed calculated to stop someone from interfering with her self pity. It was always one of her big buttons. She would always lash out if you interfered with that.

But, while I had no choice but be a party of, and witness to that very singular human tragedy and loss, I do have a choice when it comes to the people in the periphery of my life. So here it goes…

I have some advice for those people who would rather label me as judgemental, or unapproachable, or would use my loved ones, friends and people I care about to apply such labels:

If you want pity, or you want to feel sorry for yourself: Do not put yourself in proximity to me. If you do not want an honest view from outside your fishbowl, or you do not want to confront uncomfortable things you may not want to hear: stay away. Do not come to my house, do not attend events I may hold. You do not have to be around me. Make no mistake, I will be making sure I do not put myself around you. I am better than that, and I won’t waste my time on anyone who does not appreciate me, or the kindness I have. As I once pointed out to Seraph: I have only time for the brave. Life is entirely too godamned short to be wasting on people who want to whine about how I made them uncomfortable. In short: I have no time for you, and I wish you well. In the tradition of the Celts, the worst thing we could ever do, was utter the simplest of curses:

Fix it yourself.

Current Mood:
Angry & Annoyed & Hostile & Melancholy

That will change however. I am starting to get into more and more of a better daily routine, and I actually have a number of topics that I have “in the queue” for the blog. So bear with me a bit. Let me update you on my doings as of late…

I will say, I have really settled nicely back into City living. It’s really hit me, how much I missed living in Chicago. Secondly, I have started to get back into shape with regular cycling again. I haven’t cycled regularly in years and it feels damn good to be back in this habit again. One of the things I have noticed is that the bike path along the lake which shadows Lake Shore Drive is a lot better than I remember. Despite the usual idiots who dont follow common sense, its always a brilliant ride. Seraph and I made it as far as fullerton on our last regular run. Our goal is to be able to bike to Navy Pier and back home by the end of summer.

Third, cigarettes in the city are really freaking expensive. Up to $80 a carton in some parts of the city. So, I ditched the regular brand smokes, and have started making my own cigarettes. I bought really quality Cigarette Injector. For $50 bucks, it does a damned good job. I found a place that sells cigarette tobacco which is blended to mimic storebought brands. Kicker is: you buy a bag of tobacco from them, they send you a free box of filter tubes for free.

So, my cost for a carton now:about $15.00. Takes about 10 minutes to make one pack of smokes. Takes about a week to get your technique down. The trick is learning the right amount of pack for the injection chamber, and how to load it properly. Too much tobacco, the cigarette is too tight, and you can get any draw off it. Too loose, and it burns too quickly. I love it. Mayor Daley and Todd Stroger can blow me.

The CTA continues to annoy me. I realize they have growing pains, and budget pains. However, what disturbs me more is their lack of understanding when it comes to straight up good old common sense when planning their logistics.

Work is great. I actually feel like I am making a difference where I am. While I have wild days, and slow days…I feel useful and productive again.

I have started working on game design when I have the time. My friend Dave has been submitting material like a madman, and I have a few coders taking a look at things.

I am making plans for two major fall purchases. One: a wall mount jukebox kit from mameroom.com. I so want this for my apartment. It will compliment the bar atmosphere perfectly. The second is my cocktail MAME cabinet from dream arcades. I think these will be aquired by August/September.

The other major purchases I am working towards are a Training sailboat for next summer. And a 25′ to 30′ sailboat for the following summer. The ultimate goal of which is to be out on the lakefront for Venetian Night 2010. Wheeee.

I do plan a full redesign for Digital Arcadia. However, aside from some minor art contributions, I am probably going to hire a freelancer for the job. I just dont think I have time for it. Between everything else I mentioned above, I am also trying hard to get more “community minded”. I am making an effort to shop more locally, and I want to start getting more into my community.

So, please pardon the long stretch there between updates. I do plan on adding “update the blog” to my daily routine. And remember, you can always hit “The Best Of…” if you want more, or you want to look around and don’t know where to start. =)

Ja Mata!

Current Mood:
Bouncy

I got home tonight at 7:45 or so. I left work at 5PM. Some moron got himself killed near 27th street (nowhere NEAR the friggin loop, I might add) and that backed up the whole system. Seraph and I wound up walking from the Fullerton stop down to clark to catch a 22.

Problem one: Not enough rolling stock for the north side redline.

This is not just on days where there is an incident. Today it was more pronounced because of the incident. People talk about the “Three track hell” southbound on morning rush, but honestly, I have yet to have a problem there. The problem is the evening rush. Where the ratio is roughly 2-3 brown/purple line trains stopping, dumping transfers to 1 red line train. Today that ratio was something even worse. AND there was a cubs game. I am sure the CTA thought they were QUITE CLEVER with their announcement that the purple line would be making stops at Sheridan to help with the cubs traffic. However, its really not so clever because out of something like 6 brown line trains, I saw ONE purple line train.

Problem two: No fucking backup plans to move people.

Seriously. You have a yard at Midway. You have a yard Howard. You have a yard at Harlem. You have the newly rehabbed Paulina connector. WHAT THE HELL is wrong with you people? Move some damned trains into service. Seriously. Take them from howard, cross them over at fullerton and run them north again. Bring them in from the Midway yard, run them through the loop and then turn them into Red Line Trains once they pass Armitage. Stop trying to use trains already in the system to cover for your fuckups. MOVE THE STOCK you have sitting idle into service so you can cover the outages. And put more stock onto the red line. Or, maybe perhaps try out what people have been telling you: re-introduce skip stop.

Problem three: Governor Rod.

Thanks for shafting us yet again, Governor Asslick. You and Emil Jones passed a funding budget for the CTA. But your petty politics, and your silly squabbling has meant that the capital improvment money is nowhere to be found. Thanks. You people are starting to make people long for the good old days of George Ryan. Equally corrupt as our current Governor seems to be, but at least he wasnt a fucking retard with plastic looking hair and could actually get things done.

Problem four: Mayor Daley.

You give Irish people a bad name. Why dont you stop your public land grab attempts, and dig into your fat TIF slush funds to help with some of the problems the CTA has. It shouldnt just be the state’s or the fed’s job to fund it. CTA stands for CHICAGO transit authority. Why not help fund it?

And this city wants the Olympics? They have to be snorting something good at City Hall. I’ll put $20 on coke cut with pixie sticks.

Current Mood:
Angry & Annoyed & Hostile

You can find the album here.

All in all, it was quite a happy affair. Everyone had fun, there was good food, music and good times. I had quite a turnout, and I for one had a blast. I didn’t get completely persnickered, because I was busy trying to be the good host. It’s always nice to be surrounded by friends. I want to thank everyone who came. If you were invited and couldn’t make it well, you missed a fun time. The bar was packed, and it was lively.

After the last guests had left for the night, we sat around the bar discussing the next event. One of the ideas was a theme party. And then someone mentioned a tiki party. Not too sure about that one. A friend from work suggested an 80’s theme party, and I countered that it could be 80’s themed along the lines of Pop vs. Metal.

Not sure though. So, I guess I’ll take suggestions. I am shooting for mid July for the next party. In the meantime, feel free to head over and check out the pictures. Of course, new pictures means I have to go out and get new frames. I still have alot of wall space to cover. =)

Current Mood:
Enthralled & Contemplative

1) I do plan to get the party pics from last weekend up.

2) Digital Arcadia needs work, and a redesign. Rather than do this on the semi regular 3-6 month basis, I am only going to do it once a year from here on out. So, as it stands right now, I am going to begin thinking about what I want to do, and then work on it during the fall and winter, and shoot for a spring launch.

3) To that end, I want comments and suggestions. Feel free to drop me a line with what you think needs to change, how to improve things, colors, ideas…anything.

4) Anyone out there in doing some custom CSS/PHP work?

Current Mood:
Groggy

In the past, I have been pretty reserved. I passed on a lot of social contact, partially because I was busy being a parent, and partially because in some ways, I chose to be somewhat solitary in many ways until I figured a few things out, and became less of a caustic person. I think that was one reason I abhorred photos of me. I really didn’t want pictures of me in the state of being I was in. Of course, someone changed my attitude on that quite a bit. But to be fair, I wanted it to change, I felt a bit less reserved. I just needed a shove.

In the previous 4 or 5 years, I have made a few steps toward becoming more social in general. But now I crave a bit more in the way of contact and fun with others. I have made it a point to accept most invitations, and I have been steering myself toward a place where I can extend invitations as well. It’s for this reason that I made “entertainment friendly” a criteria for my new pad.

In about a week’s time, I will be having a housewarming party. I even printed invitations. Based on response, I believe I am going to have 20+ people here. Which is great. I really want that social contact. For a variety of reasons. But, the main one is this: I know the boundaries of my personality now, and I happen to think overall, despite my quirks I am a fairly nice guy. I can be funny, serious, etc. But I think I am also a lot happier now that I have been in many years. I didn’t just “find” this happiness. I sought it out, and worked hard for it. I think entertaining for people, for friends…is a way of sharing that.

I think it’s vital to share it too. So, next week I plan to get the house ready. I plan to make sure everything is perfect, or as close to perfect as I can. I want people to come, have fun, commiserate. I have invited people from the different segments of my life, and it will be interesting to see them interact. I look forward to it. Seraph and Selphie will be there, and it should be a good time for all concerned.

I’ll be sure to post pictures of the event. =)

Current Mood:
Playful & Jubilant

The panhandlers are getting restless in Chicago. Nearly to the point of being obnoxious.

While my heart does go out to those who are less fortunate, I do not respond to panhandlers. When with people, I ignore them completely, when they attempt to engage me solo, I give them one word answers, such as: nope. In the case of one guy who got *pissed* at me for stomping and twisting on a smoke I just put out, after denying them a cigarette, the dialog went like this…

Him: your a dick, I could have smoked the rest of that.
Me: Except it’s my personal property, I paid for it, and I can do whatever I want to it.

It never dawns on them, that I am not responsible for filling their needs. They are. You want cigarettes in a city where they are nearly $10.00 a pack? Get a job.

Here is why I disregard panhandlers.

1) I work hard for my money, I pay taxes…and those taxes feed a huge societal industry which does nothing but put resources out there for the less fortunate to make use of. Yes, some of it is underfunded. But there is a lot of overlap. The problem is, I would say about half of the people I see panhandling are *not* disturbed, they are reasonably well dressed (i.e: clean clothes, not rags), clean shaven, etc. Whether they are just lazy or not, I am not about to encourage them.

2) I am not able, within a reasonable doubt, able to differentiate and tell who are the professional panhandlers, and the ones who are really down on their luck. So rather than try, I equally reject them all. Let’s face it, every one of them has a story. Every human being has a story of how they got to where they are today. Even me. With the panhandlers, what you must understand is from my perspective, they all just need 1.00 for a train ticket home, they all need $0.20 for a cheeseburger. Again, as it is difficult to tell, I reject them all.

It’s not that I am heartless. I have on many occasions, where it’s very clear what the state of things are, gone into a shop, bought a round of food, and handed it off to the person in question. At least in those cases, I know they have been fed, and are not using money to buy drugs.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking…

How can you be so judgemental? What makes you such a damned authority on this topic? These people need any help!

Where does my authority for my opinion come from? Easy.

I have been homeless, and stone cold broke on these very streets.

That’s right. You heard me. When I was…oh, 19/20…fresh off a year of travelling about the country. I landed in Chicago, right at the Greyhound Bus terminal. There I was. Penniless. Broke. My parents at the time wanted nothing to do with me. That was okay, the feeling was mutual at the time. It was raining, and crappy outside.

I had some choices. Beg to go to my mother’s house, sleep outside … in the streets, and maybe beg for money, or seek some kind of shelter.

I swallowed my pride, and found a homeless shelter. Right on Jackson Blvd, near Aberdeen. It was very near Chicago Graphics, a place I had been to many times before with my Dad. Just so you know, that neighborhood, back then was trouble with a capital T. And quite dangerous.

I stood in line, and I came to realize, with limited room, there was no guarantee I would even get in. I waited patiently and hoped. I got into the shelter. I slept on a cot.

I was told that they would hold my bed for me, so long as I showed up the next night. If I missed the night, the following night id have to wait in line like everyone else. I was able to eat something at the shelter, and upon reaching the time to leave in the morning, I was faced with some more choices. I could:

* Panhandle for money.
* Try to work my way into something better.

I walked all the way from Jackson and Aberdeen over to Grand and Milwaukee. It was there, that a day labor organization was located. I had heard about it from one of the other men in the shelter. I marched in, filled out a couple pieces of paperwork. They handed me two CTA tokens, told me how to get to my first day job, and off I went. I worked at a Neiman Marcus distributor warehouse for the entire day, moving seriously heavy boxes. I got back to the place, with my time sheet signed, was handed a check, which I cashed, and got a bite to eat. Headed back to the shelter.

As I lay on the cot, which was not entirely dissimilar from the cot’s I used to sleep on when I was in kindergarten, I thought about a great many things. I was very alone in the world. By myself. I didnt know what I was going to do with me, or how I was going to survive other than day to day. All I knew was, I wanted more, and I wanted to never be in this situation again.

I worked these various day jobs for a couple weeks until I got a day assignment that put me in much better shape. It was for Rothchilds, who were liquidating all of the Goldblatt’s stores in Chicago. I was sent to the Goldblatts on Lincoln Ave. In a week or two, I was hired straight on as a regular, and while the pay was low, I was able to get a room at a really dingy SRO up the street. I was somewhat on my way. Life was a bit rough, but I had at least put my own roof over my head. I started buying books, and a few other small amenities. Eventually I spent a considerable amount of my off-time improving myself. There are many adventures between where I am now, and the SRO…but I digress…

The point is, I started with nothing but the clothes on my back, and a backpack with a few items. I have been there, I have been destitute. I have been a wandering soul. But I never expected society to foot the bill for me. Well, maybe I did…but I knew it was not realistic.

I started with nothing, and I am pretty damned successful today. Because at the end of the day, panhandling is not a career. It is not an acceptable way of life. If you want to live on the streets that’s fine. There are plenty of people who live on the streets, who never panhandle. I have even met a few homeless people who consider it beneath them to panhandle. They would rather pick up cans, etc…than just stand on the street with the expectation that people give them money.

So, you can call me whatever you want. Harlan Ellison said it best: you do not have the right to an opinion, you have the right to an informed opinion. I have a very informed opinion on this topic. Call me heartless all you want. People who panhandle suck. Society should not encourage this behavior, and if you give them money, you are encouraging the problem. Buy them a sandwich, great, fine. Some of you will say, “some of these folks dont have the mental stability to hold a job”…to which I say: day labor, and if they are that mentally deficient, they can get themselves into the system. If they choose not to, it’s their choice.

But, do not reward bad behavior. Do not endorse a career in panhandling. Which is what you do when you hand over that $.50.

You can consider this my $0.02 on the matter.

Current Mood:
Frustrated & Quixotic

I also use awstats to analyze who hits this site, from where, when, etc. I am kinda a geek like that. It’s how I have linked to many folks you see on the sidebar. But, I don’t always make the connection between the visitors, the comments and what they have out there. I try to always reciprocate links, but if you have been left out, you can always drop me a line. duo@. I will be happy to link to you.

I have noticed, since I changed some of the keyword tagging, and such, that I have had a recent influx of other visitors. Feel free to comment on whatever. I don’t censor, except in the case of blatant, willful stupidity or really pathetic trolls. In which case, I ignore and delete them in the order they were received.

Also, I have been making a concerted effort to get back into the swing of near daily updates again. Now that things have settled down, and stable again. I also have plans to do much more with Digital Arcadia this fall. In the meantime, feel free to browse the archives. 5 some odd years of my life are contained herein.

Current Mood:
Accomplished

And he is correct. We have won. People like Jack Thompson, and their ilk are already seeing how hard it is to find a sympathetic voice in a generation that has grown up with games. I would even venture to say, Barack Obama is the first of a new wave of people who “get” the generation coming into play. The old school, and their old money are on the way out.

Think about this: Bill Gates, as contemptible as he can be, is our generation’s Andrew Carnegie. He made billions off of the tech industry in general…and alot of gaming helped feed his bottom line.

You Luddites who insist you know what’s best for us, are going the way of the dinosaur. The meteor impact that doomed you to extinction happened in a Texas Instruments lab in 1961. Accept your role as the old, and prepare to be replaced by the new.

And, it won’t stop there either. The half assed attempts to commercialize and reduce the internet with these attacks on neutrality won’t work either. Gaming, among other things, will stop you there too.

Accept that your race is run. The days of your kind are done for. We realize you won’t go without a bit more fight, screaming and kicking as you dissolve into the void…but acceptance is the key.

Current Mood:
Enthralled & Jubilant